Jonathan Groff Has a Lingerie-Related Nickname, Patti LuPone's a Delinquent and Other Lessons of the Week

With Labor Day behind us, fall is in the air and things are already busy on the Great White Way. Here’s our round-up of the top lessons that this week’s news and features taught us.

How to Succeed’s J. Pierrepont Finch is a Magnet Role for Teen Heartthrobs
The World Wide Wicket company is starting to look like the cover of Tiger Beat! Now that Nick Jonas is set to follow Daniel Radcliffe and Glee’s Darren Criss as the third J. Pierrepont Finch in the Tony-nominated revival of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, the role is officially bait for the hottest teenage dreamboats. While the aspiring window washer has previously been played by slightly older actors (Robert Morse originated the role at age 30 in 1961, and Matthew Broderick turned 32 right before the 1995 revival’s opening), the average age of the new batch of Finches is only 21!

Call the Hall Monitors! Patti LuPone Used to Play Hookey!
With two Tony Awards to her name, Patti LuPone has done just fine for herself, but during her teenage years the diva (who returns to Broadway this fall in An Evening with Patti LuPone and Mandy Patinkin) may not have had a stellar attendance record as a student at Long Island's Northport High School. In a School Days feature, Broadway.com asked what advice LuPone would give to her younger self. Her response? “You’d better go to your classes. Stop fucking around and go to your classes!” Yikes. Better listen to your grown-up self, young Patti!

Broadway is Full of Mean Girls
In a recent poll Broadway.com readers revealed they’re dying to see the hit 2004 comedy Mean Girls adapted into a Broadway musical. Intrigued by the idea, our editorial staff decided to cast a potential Mean Girls musical and found the task eerily easy. Turns out there are plenty of pretty young actresses who could contribute to the Burn Book. Our casting choices include Lea Michele as “Plastic” leader Regina George, Teal Wicks channeling a pre-rehab Lindsay Lohan as Cady Heron and Aaron Tveit as soccer hottie Aaron Samuels. Please, Tina Fey, make this musical a reality. It would be so fetch!

Kelly Bishop Should Have Considered Playing Kristine in A Chorus Line Instead of Sheila 
Kelly Bishop scored a Tony for playing Sheila (whose story was modeled after her own life) in the original production of A Chorus Line, but insight from the Anything Goes star’s First Person feature suggests maybe she should have played a different Chorus character. “I had to disassociate myself with musicals [after A Chorus Line] because I’m not a singer,” she revealed. Not a singer? Sounds more like the vocally challenged Kristine, whose song “Sing,” is dedicated to her melodic inabilities. For someone who modestly claims she's “not a singer,” Bishop is doing an incredible job as Evangeline Harcourt at the Stephen Sondheim Theatre.

Sister Act Star Patina Miller Can Make a Mean Screwdriver
Tony nominee Patina Miller has worked nonstop since graduating from Carnegie Mellon University, starring in Hair in Central Park, leading the West End company of Sister Act and following the joyous musical to Broadway. Miller, however, learned another skill set to ensure she’d have a (needless) back-up plan. “All my graduation money went to paying for bartending classes,” the actress said in a Q&A interview. Sadly, her mixology expertise has faded over the years. “I don’t know if I make awesome drinks these days. I can tell you how to make a screwdriver, but that’s about it,” she cracked.

We Better Be Good 'Cause Christmas 2012 Is Delivering the Gift of a Big Movie Musical: Les Miz!
Forget dreaming of a “White Christmas”…'tis the season to dream “a dream in time gone by.” After weeks of casting speculation, Oscar winner Russell Crowe has finally confirmed he will star in the upcoming Les Miserables movie musical adaptation. Other exciting news: the film has set a December 7, 2012 release date! The verdict is still out on whether or not rumored stars Anne Hathaway, Geoffrey Rush and Helena Bonham carter will be on hand to storm the barricades too, but we can guarantee one thing: come next December you will hear the people sing… and it won’t just be Christmas carols!

Linda Eder Didn’t Find Ex-Husband Frank Wildhorn’s Wonderland Very Wonderful at All
During a recent concert performance, Linda Eder revealed her ex-husband, composer Frank Wildhorn, courted her to play the Mad Hatter in his recent Alice in Wonderland-themed musical, Wonderland. While Eder considered the offer, she’s thrilled she didn’t journey down the rabbit hole. “The set, direction and plot didn't work,” she says of the musical, which only lasted 33 performances. “I couldn't believe it. I thought, 'Do I even like theater anymore?  I was so bored!'" Maybe Eder would have been a better fit for the hot-tempered Queen of Hearts than the Hatter! 

Aida and Radames Have Risen Again as Heather Headley and Adam Pascal Score New Musical Gigs
They may have been sealed away for eternity together in a tomb at the end of Aida, but that doesn't mean Heather Headley and Adam Pascal would never be heard from again. The former co-stars both landed high-profile new jobs this week as Grammy and Tony winner Headley is set to channel Whitney Houston in the fall 2012 West End stage adaptation of The Bodyguard, while Pascal will take over as Huey Calhoun in Broadway's Tony-winning Memphis in October. It's too bad they can't combine the two projects together and sing "I Will Always Hockadoo."

Brooke Shields Thinks Morbid Thoughts to Combat the Onstage Antics of Her Addams Family Co-star Jackie Hoffman
Fans of The Addams Family’s Jackie Hoffman’s video blogs on Broadway.com know the rowdy comedienne loves to pull a good prank, and lately her target has been new headliner Brooke Shields. In her Ask a Star video, Shields revealed Hoffman frequently attempts to get her to break character and laugh on stage, but the leading lady has learned how to defeat Hoffman’s best efforts. “Now I start thinking of terrible things [happening], to like puppies, because I’m so afraid I’m going [to laugh]” she said. Dark stuff, Brooke. Morticia would approve!

Jonathan Groff Has a Swing Dancing Alter-Ego Named ‘Jonathong’
It should come as no surprise to Glee fans that Vocal Adrenaline stud and Spring Awakening Tony nominee Jonathan Groff had an affinity for swing dancing at a young age. However, the actor, who currently stars in off-Broadway’s The Submission, was occasionally a little overly ambitious when it came to his abilities. In his School Days feature, Groff recalls a dance competition where he accidentally exposed his partner’s undergarments. “Everyone saw her red thong. They called me Jonathong.” Oh, Jonathan. You will never live this down.